Thor’s increasingly bold and desperate attempts to make it over to Germany for this weekend’s Keep It True Festival have finally failed.

Faced with the insurmountable problems caused by the volcanic ash which has clogged up airspace over Europe, Thor even appealed to old pal Arnold Schwarzenegger – Governor of California – for help. All to no avail.

A dejected Thor has been forced to sheath his hammer and return the shield to the cupboard under the stairs.

He says: “It’s absolutely impossible to make it on time. We’ve been waiting at the airport. There are thousands of stranded Europeans ahead of us. All my flights were cancelled. It is nine hours ahead in Germany. The only way I could make it now is if Arnold sent a military craft to pick me up in the Northwest and flew me over Germany where I would have to parachute onto the stage.

“We have spent extra money on visas, costumes, extra plane tickets and we have waited at the airport for hours and hours. We have gone the extra, extra mile to get to Germany for Keep It True.”

The same problem led to the cancellation of Thor’s first London show in a quarter-of-a-century earlier in the week. This was due to happen at The Gaff on April 19.

All we can do, as we dab away a tear or two at this lost opportunity to witness Thor’s mightiness first hand, is point you to his website, www.thorcentral.com, for full updates.

Eyjafjallajokull, the Icelandic volcano responsible for all of this, we curse you!