If Classic Rock was a TV station…
Classic Rock’s Greg Moffitt has come up with a typical day’s broadcasting rundown…
Rock’s Greg Moffitt has come up with a typical day’s broadcasting rundown…
6.00am – 9.00am Looking For Today
The latest news, sport, business and weather with Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler. (Subtitled)
9.00am – 12.00pm Chatter Box
Uriah Heep guitarist Mick Box hosts a lively mix of chat, celebrity interviews, household tips, cookery and phone-ins. Today, Brian Johnson and Brian May join the fun.
12.00pm – 1.00pm Jon Oliva’s Pan
Rotund Savatage singer Jon Oliva helms a bizarre culinary odyssey, broadcast live before a studio audience. This week, cooking with cheese, getting creative with leftovers and lager tasting tips with guest Pete Way.
1.00pm – 2.00pm Holmes’ Under The Hammer
In the follow-up to the hugely popular series Stash In The Attic, ex-W.A.S.P. axeman Chris Holmes follows members of the public as they scour their lofts for hidden gems to sell at auction. This week, a set of bent Harley Davidson handlebars and a box of empty vodka bottles go on sale in Withernsea.
2.00pm – 3.00pm D.I.O. S.O.S.
It’s ratchets to the rescue as diminutive metal god Ronnie James Dio tackles DIY horrors head-on! This week, Ronnie visits the Midlands where KK Downing’s dodgy digging has caused the front of his house to fall down and the team help to create a shower-room with easy wheelchair access. (Repeat)
3.00pm – 3.30pm The Weakest Drink
Humorous and dangerous slapstick panel game with host Pete Way.
3.30pm – 4.00pm Animal Hospital with Ted Nugent
Right-wing firebrand, longbow ace and National Rifle Association board member Ted Nugent puts some animals in hospital.
4.00pm – 4.30pm Ready, Steady, Puke
Humorous and dangerous slapstick panel game with host Pete Way.
4.30pm – 5.30pm Dickinson’s Real Deal
Bruce Dickinson and dealers Cheryl Hakeney, Simon Schneider and Clive Attrell fly to Evesham by charter jet hoping to seal great deals with the locals. At auction, a carved walking stick makes a big impact.
5.30pm – 6.00pm Hot Line
National and international news anchored by Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler. (Subtitled)
6.00pm – 7.00pm Young At Heart
Following the fortunes of AC/DC duo Angus and Malcolm Young, and billed as ‘pensioners behaving badly’, Young At Heart is a fly-on-the-wall documentary like no other! At an age when most people are either dead or living out their last days in retirement homes, these guys are up on stage playing their hearts out about the big taboos surrounding old age: love and sex, loss of youth, loneliness, addiction, infirmity and death.
7.00pm – 7.50pm Rob’s Fashion Fix
Rob Halford hosts a brand new magazine series that rips the label off fashion to prove you don’t need to spend a fortune to look fabulous. In front of a studio audience, Rob takes on designer clothes chosen by the most powerful buyers in the fashion business with a collection he’s sourced entirely from the High Street. In a catwalk face-off the audience will vote on which is the best collection. Along the way Rob will teach us everything we need to know about what to wear this season and how to wear it. Each week Rob also rummages through the drawers of the stars in search of dirty laundry and style secrets. In tonight’s shows he visits Alice Cooper, Klaus Meine and Motorhead mainman Lemmy.
7.50pm – 8.00pm National Lobotomy Euromillions
Magnum’s Bob Catley and Tony Clarkin host the Euromillions draw… out of Clarkin’s voluminous hat.
8.00pm – 9.50pm This Is Spinal Tap
Nightly showing of the 1984 mock rockumentary directed by Rob Reiner and starring members of the fictional heavy metal band Spinal Tap.
9.50pm – 10.00pm N.I.B. – News in Brief
Round-up of the day’s events at home and abroad with Tony Iommi and Geezer Butler. (Subtitled)
10.00pm – 11.00pm Dave Murray’s Happy Hour
The genial Iron Maiden six-stringer conducts a faux pub chat with guests Biff Byford and Paul Di’Anno.
11.00pm – 12.00am Friday Night With Ross The Boss
The former Manowar guitarist presides over an hour of rambunctious and irreverent celebrity chat. This week’s guests are Gene Simmons, Dave Mustaine and Dave Lee Roth. Rick Wakeman provides the music.
12.00am – 1.00am Later With Dave Holland
Former Judas Priest drummer and convicted sex offender Dave Holland hosts an eclectic blend of live rock music with performances from Justin Hayward, Don Airey and Glenn Hughes. Dave joins Glenn on stage for a special set of lesser-known Trapeze numbers.
1.00am – 2.00am Blackmore’s Night Sky
Mercurial former Deep Purple and Rainbow guitar wizard Ritchie Blackmore presents all the current developments from the world of astronomy, including the latest images from the Flügelhorn probe.
How about Deal or No Drug Deal……………..various members of Motley Crue get offered huge lines of Coke by an undercover comedian dressed as an Arab ,will they refuse and get back to the Jack Daniels or will they hoover the lot up ?
Or…………….This is Your Life ,this week looking at the life and times of Lemmy from Motorhead , warts and all
Or 60 minute make over……….sound engineers take the new Metallica CD and water it down quickly for the US audience after they complain its too loud. See them turn the bass down and job done………….hosted by James and Lars with guest appearance from their personal psychiatrists.
Also in this series producers try to make Towers of London sound relevent and discuss. Answer is a quick no and the other 59 minutes will be videos or real punks.
Fight Night Live , Ronnie James Dio stepping up various weights takes on Ozzy after the disparaging comments made by Ozzy are published again.
Watch as the end of round bell causes a stampede to the bar by Ozzy as he thinks it is last orders.
Next week Dave Mustaine v James Hetfield
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
Watch as various tattooed members of pop rock combo Good Charlotte compete to see who else can blag a mega rich socialite. With Joel and Benjy shacked up with Paris and Nicole , the others remove their make up and skinny jeans and try and find some other girl to take them around the world like trinkets.
First attempts to try go badly as they attract lady boys and not knowing disappear for days at a posh hotel. They resurface with their tails between their legs…just
New album gets cancelled and the Madden twins (now known as skinny and fatboy) start to write an album of ballads. Abba Money Money Money is the only cover version.
Top Gear………………Dave Lee Roth and Gene Simmons look at the 80’s stage clothes and try to shoe horn themselves into past outfits.
Various Death Metal singers discuss why Black is still the new Black
Geddy Lee previews this years Clothes Show Live
CORRECTION
Re Top Gear Geddy Lee previews Nose Show Live apologies
The X Factor………………………Numerous Nu Metal bands try and work out why they all sign their name the same way (think about it)
Danni Minogue that little Aussie scamp gets too near the pyrotechnics at a Kiss gig and melts her own face off.
Louis Walsh persuades Rob Halford to form a boy band called PriestLife and decide on a stage look of leather cassocks.
Cheryl Cole goes to back to Newcastle to find a male wearing a shirt in minus one temperatures and gets him arrested for outraging public decency.
Simon Cowell thinks he is having a heart atack and discovers his belt is too tight around his chest.
This weeks survivors sing songs from Rush and Journey
Alan, get out more!!!
What about strictley come prancing hosted by David Coverdale. featuring james hetfield, bruce dickinson, dave lee roth andangus Young
After worked 20 hours to paint , gloss and finish off the front room I had a five minute break. Then this happened. Maybe I need to get a job at CR ?
the apprentice, with Gene Simmons!
In all seriousness…why don’t Classic Rock have a TV station if Kerrap! and NME do?
Anyhoo…you need a sitcom…
….it would be great that you would broadcast new real rock-aor bands such as BROTHER FIRETRIBE and WORK OF ART!!!!!
Breakfast TV would consist of Ian ‘Untah saying: “‘Allo!”, then launching into Rock’n'Roll Queen (the new National Anthem) with the rest of MtH. He could also do all the specs adverts…
PS You’d PAY Pete Way to do his favourite activities?? And why not? Lovely person.
How about you ressurect “GamesMaster” and use Brian May instead of Patrick Moore – seeing as he’s finally qualified and all…………
Could also have the “Happy Hour” with Nick Holmes of Paradise Lost.
“Celebrity Porn Star” with Tommy Lee, Brett Michaels, Gene Simmons, Kid Rock, Scott Stapp.
Chad Kroeger on Cribs showing off his bathroom you can play baseball in – tw@t!!!!!!!!!
How about:
The Generation Game : A nu metal band and a classic rock band battle it out to see who can sell the most records to the under 12s!
Ask the Family : Gene Simmons and Ozzy Osbourne ask the family if its ok to have cameras follow them around 24/7, damaging their rock god status forever!
Whose Line is it Anyway : A improvisation show starring Motley Crue!
Name that Tune : Fans of classic rock bands are played an entire song by Slipknot and then asked to name that tune…. if they can find one!
Mock the Weak: A bunch of rock journalists mock the crap albums that all classic rock bands make at some point in their career!
Big Brother : Talks about his split from the Holding Company… yes I know very poor that one!
Eggheads: Rob Halford, Angry Anderson, Tony Clarkin, Skin (ex Skunk Anansie) and Bob Kulick battle against a team of young upstart nu metal band members who no-one recognises!
and finally…..
Eastenders: A drama set in the east end of London starring cor blimey london lads, Steve, Nicko, Adrian, Dave ….. and …. er…. the other two that are not from London!
Mock the Weak… brilliant!
How about the Antiques Rockshow.. I’m sure there’s plenty of footage from the awards?
Useful Gear Wrecking: Hosted by the Who and starring many gear-wrecking bands, who proceed to find a use to smashing guitars by smashing them ibto emo’s faces
I wonder what Tokio Hotel mainwoman/man would looke like with a Marshall amplifier inside his mouth…. Probably like a marshall amplifier with very gay hair…
Top Gear
Hosted by Nikki Sixx, a show discussing and rating the many different drugs used on previous Motley Crue tours, culminating in a list of the absolute Top Gear…see what I did there?
Iggy pop fronting ‘How to look good naked?’ but only after the water shed.
On second thoughts maybe not. The image is not a good one.