Heavy Early’s Alternative Christmas Top 20 (Pt.2, Nos. 10-1)
Hello semi-rock fans, Heavy Early here. In case you don’t know who I am, I’m the bitter, twisted and usually drunk (former) classic rock DJ at KRONK-FM, broadcasting out of Hanksville, Utah. I also write the very occasional column for AOR magazine…
Anyways, welcome to Part Two of this joyous, nog-sloshing celebration of limp guitars and jolly old elves.
10. Grateful Dead – Run Rudolph Run
Because otherwise, Rudolph, you’re going to be stuck here with the rest of us listening to a bunch of old hippies noodling away on their guitars for an hour while the cider gets cold.
9. America – White Christmas
Seriously, have you ever been to Utah? This is like the national anthem around here.
8. John Denver – Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas
Maybe a little bit off the standard AOR playlist, but this was pretty much my kids’ favourite song for most of the 70s, so it makes me nostalgic. Not proud, mind you, but nostalgic.
7. Trans-Siberian Orchestra – O Come All Ye Faithful
I’d just like to point out that in the Midwest, this counts as speed metal, and the local church will probably try to burn down the station if I play it.
6. Canned Heat – Deck The Halls
If you’ve always thought that the one missing element in traditional Christmas carols was that they don’t have enough boogie rock guitars in them, you are in luck. In my Canned Heat dreams, Santa wears a denim vest and drives a Chrysler. And he only gives out beer. Beer and belt buckles.
5. Hanoi Rocks – Dead By Xmas
Every year I assume they are correct, and every year I still manage to make it to December 26th in one piece, more or less. But one of these days, wow, is this going to sound prescient! So I keep it in, just in case.
4. Jethro Tull – Jack Frost And The Hooded Crow
If sleighbells were flutes, Ian Anderson would be Santa Claus, only instead of being jolly, we’d refer to him as ‘proggy’. Same boots either way.
3. Angel – The Winter Song
‘Winter is here… and it’s cold this time of year.’ Fer Chrissakes, tell us somethin’ we don’t already know, willya?!
2. Ronnie James Dio – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
And God rest ye, Sir Ronald. (A rare moment of sensitivity. Apologies, won’t happen again.)
1. Slade – Merry Christmas Everybody
You know I said this was an Alternative Christmas Top 20? Well, I lied. You gotta keep in mind where I am. I’m in corn country. Nothing says corn like Slade. This is always a good set closer. By the time I play it, everybody will be blotto, including me, and it’s great to slur along to. You can even puke along to it. Also it loosens up the cops when they show up to drag you off to the drunk tank.
…Well, there you go. That’s what a discount Christmas sounds like in middle-America in 2013. That’s right, it sounds mostly like 1982. Hope you enjoyed it, and happy holidays. Maybe I’ll get some new music to play from Santa this year. I’ve heard about these new-fangled CDs. They sound like they’re going to be the next big thing! Heavy Early out.
Words: Ken McIntyre
Illustration: John Langton