Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”
“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”

So I went to the dentist.
He said, “Say Aaah.”
I said, “Why?”
He said, “My dog’s died.”

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?”
And a voice said, “You are.”

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said, “Is that the local swimming baths?”
He said, “It depends where you’re calling from.”

So I rang up a local building firm and said, “I want a skip outside my house.”
He said, “I’m not stopping you.”

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, “You’ve been promoted.”
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said, “You’ve been promoted again.”
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, “You’re managing director.”
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, “What happened to you?”
And I said, “I careered off the road.”

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
The man replied, “I know I’ve been ill.”

A man walked into the doctors,
He said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go to those places.”

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.