Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any and all obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone.

Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.

However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE…

Click here to find out.

n.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of them say the following:

“Emma comes first… den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses… they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.’

The lady can’t take this any more. “You foul-mouthed sex-obsessed pig,” she retorts indignantly. “In this country, we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.”

“Hey, coola downa lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”

his is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
(Ted Walsh – Horse-Racing Commentator)

“Moses Kiptanui – the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.”
(David Coleman)

“We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite.”
Murray Walker)

“He’s pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!”
(RTE’s George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez’s substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

“The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense.”
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: “It was like being in a foreign country.”
(Ian Rush)

“I’d like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.”
(Mark Draper – Aston Villa)

“Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.”
(John Arlott)

“Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds – totally against the run of play.”
(Peter Lorenzo)

“We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised.”
(Ian McNail)

“The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical.”
(Murray Walker)

“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
(Greg Norman)

“Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing – but none of them serious.”
(Alan Minter)

“He dribbles a lot and the opposition don’t like it – you can see it all over their faces.”
(Ron Atkinson)

“It took a lot of bottle for Tony [Adams] to own up.”
(Ian Wright – commenting on his teammate’s alcoholism)

“Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel – a Mecca for tourists.”
(David Vine)

“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It’s like they’ve got 11 Dicks on the field.”
(Metro Radio)

Dennis Pennis: “Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?”
Chris Eubank: “On what?”

“Strangely, in slow-motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.”
(David Acfield)

“One of the reasons Arnie [Arnold Palmer] is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them.”
(US TV commentator)

“If you can’t stand the heat in the dressing room, get out of the kitchen.”
(Terry Venables)

“It was a game we should have won. We lost it because we thought we were going to win it. But then again, I thought that there was no way we were going to get a result there.”
(Jack Charlton)

Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
“My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed? ”
“No, because he’s really heavy”

“Doctor, I can’t pronounce my F’s, T’s and H’s.”
“Well you can’t say fairer than that then”

So I went to the dentist.
He said, “Say Aaah.”
I said, “Why?”
He said, “My dog’s died.”

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said, “Who’s speaking please?”
And a voice said, “You are.”

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said, “Is that the local swimming baths?”
He said, “It depends where you’re calling from.”

So I rang up a local building firm and said, “I want a skip outside my house.”
He said, “I’m not stopping you.”

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it’s Colin.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said, “You’ve been promoted.”
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said, “You’ve been promoted again.”
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said, “You’re managing director.”
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said, “What happened to you?”
And I said, “I careered off the road.”

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.”

A man walked into the doctors.
The doctor said, “I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
The man replied, “I know I’ve been ill.”

A man walked into the doctors,
He said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go to those places.”

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

Greg Scott: We’re looking for an occupation beginning with ‘T’.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it’s ‘T’. ‘T’ for Tommy. ‘T’ for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.

DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don’t know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn’t my strong point.
Theakston: There’s a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let’s try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don’t know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for ‘cherrypickers’ and ‘cheesemongers’?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They’re regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ‘J’ is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?

RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The …?
Caller: Mohicans.

QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We’re looking for a word that goes in front of ‘clock’.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?

MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let’s put it this way – he didn’t see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?

FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word – CHED and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.

RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.

THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I’m looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter ‘e’.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It’s an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.

A young child says to his mother, “Mom, when I grow up I’d like to be a musician.”
She replies, “Well honey, you know you can’t do both.”

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A: A tattoo.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: What’s the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.

Q: What do a guitar solo and premature ejaculation have in common?
A: You know it’s coming and there’s nothing you can do about it…

Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: They can’t find the key, and they never know when to come in.

Q: How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One…we just hold it and the world revolves around us… (Ahem.)

rried…
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says: “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”

“Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome. ”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

Our ice-cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Thank you and goodnight…

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she’d first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans and has a job.

2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It’s important to have a woman whom you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you.

4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other.